Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Exclusive: Faulkner Looking for R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I caught up with Ernest Faulkner while he was in the process of remodeling his home. He was kind enough to sit down with us in his personal office and answer a few questions about the upcoming football season. When I caught up with him he was sitting in a hot tub full of hotties out on his deck. Apparently they were there to audition for a screen play he had just finished about a group of guys who go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party.
One of the friend's gets killed in a bathroom at a place called the Peppermint Elephant. Then an older gentlemen named Rob, falls in love with a stripper, then goes on a killing spree until he finds the kingpin who was responsible for the murder. The film is full of gambling, strippers, expensive dinners, and booze. The film even includes a nude shower scene. Only in Las Vegas!

Faulkner certainly didn’t appear to be happy about his phone that never seemed to stop ringing. He seemed annoyed because a woman continued to call him on the phone repeatedly. When I asked who it was he told me that telemarketers were really bad in his area. In fact, when they can’t get you on the cell phone they call the land line and keep calling until someone picks up. They can blitz your phone for as long as three hours. I’m glad I don’t live in the Key West area.

As I entered his home office, I saw many signs of his successful writing career. Directly behind his desk, right next to Hunter S. Thompson’s “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” is a framed shirt that says “Laid in Vegas.” I asked him if the two were connected and he refused to answer. He simply told me the square footage of Las Vegas bathrooms are much longer and deeper than normal bathrooms. Ernest told me he could prove it but I decided to take his word for it.

SEC Tailgate: What do you have to say about critics who say you don’t win enough?
Faulkner: They are formidable opponents, we have a tough league. I think Chris is a very good player. The only thing about him is that he can’t remember to make his picks. He probably would have several more championships if he could ever remember to get it done every week.

SEC Tailgate: Should you have more championships due to the fact you are a professional sports writer?
Faulkner: For the love of God I cover local sports! If I could sit around and look at college football on Internet all the time I would probably have several more championships. I know that goes on over at Z Insurance Company. It is just not a luxury I have.

SEC Tailgate: Have you ever thrown a golf club?
Faulkner: Yes, in Auburn about three or four years ago. I was hitting an approach from 100 yards and it didn’t go well. My golf spikes were hurting my feet and I couldn't take it any longer.

SEC Tailgate: How do you prepare for pick'em- is there a stapler you touch each day before making your picks?:
Faulkner: I check point spreads and injuries. I mostly make decisions based on my gut feeling.

SEC Tailgate: Who do you like to win the SEC?
Faulkner: Eastern champ will be Tennessee and the Western champ will be LSU. I look for LSU to win the whole thing.

SEC Tailgate: What about the Heisman Trophy?
Faulkner: McFadden has a chance, but it depends on how well Arkansas does this season.

SEC Tailgate: Who wins UGA/Alabama game?
Faulkner: Too bad ties aren’t possible. I’m personally hoping for an earthquake or tornado. But if there is not a natural disaster I think Alabama will win because their pitiful defense is better than UGA’s pitiful offense.

SEC Tailgate: Will UGA finally beat FL?
Faulker: No.

SEC Tailgate: Best game attended?
Faulkner: 1983 AU Vs. FSU

SEC Tailgate: Worst game ever attended?
Faulkner: 2003 AU Vs. UGA or 2001 AU Vs. AL


Anonymous said...

Does the movie have a website?

Anonymous said...

Who in the hell is Ernest Faulkner?

Anonymous said...

This guy sounds like a pimp! Let me know if you ever make it up to Chicago. Email me at

Anonymous said...


John Lucas said...

Would you mind taking a look at a screen play I wrote? It's not as cool as strippers in Vegas, but I think it is decent.

Ernest, can you send me your email address and I'll shoot it on over to you?

Anonymous said...

Alabama won't beat UGA! Can Nick Saban buy any more hype than the sports press is already giving him? I know you are trying to help Bama's recruiting, but I think people should at least be fair.

Anonymous said...

Bama beating UGA?!? I think this guy should stick to "local sports writing". Can I play in the same league with this guy. If he is making these predictions I will take all his money.